Doing a little dance

So I was up at 4:30 this morning, wide awake. This isn't usual and there was a tiny part of my brain that felt cranky about it but the rest of me was kinda happy. This meant a few hours to myself. So what did I do? Dishes, laundry, made coffee (not necessarily in that order), and watched children's programming. It's where I find the meaning to life. If you can't make it simple and with a sense of humor, what good is it? One of my new favorite quotes I saw on my younger brother's networking page and it went something like "if you're going to tell them the truth you better make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.". I can see myself on both sides of that... But I digress. I had walked outside because there was a little daylight and I remembered Hubby saying I needed to move my birdbath because it was killing the grass. (It didn't need much help. We've been in such a drought many of us have contemplated investing in scrub brush and rock gardens because obviously IT'S NOT GOING TO RAIN EVER AGAIN UNTIL WE GET STARK NAKED ON THE BLUE MOON AND DO A FUNKY DANCE. Apparently someone was crazy enough to do that because it rained a lovely soaking rain all yesterday.) The dog was delighted to see me and the hummingbirds were pissed. I thought it was because I was outside but turns out their feeder had fallen. So I fixed that, picked up the birdbath, and moved it to the flowerbed. I was about to turn to go into the house but noticed lots of humming. I paused, thinking there either was a huge beehive 2 feet away that appeared overnight (industrious little critters) or I was way too fragrant for them to stay away. I turned slowly to where I heard all the motion and was amazed. Next to me, flying around my moon flower bed, were dozens of happy honeybees, busily taking advantage of the cooler weather. They could have cared less about me, they just wanted the moon flowers, at least 2-3 per bloom and there are at least 30 blooms on that thing. I just had to pause and give God a little thank you. Life has been a huge roller coaster lately and where it's been great, it's been too gosh-dang busy and it's been really hard to keep calm and remember priorities. It's funny how the harder you try to keep life simple and stay home everyone wants you out and about. C'est la vie. Glad I was up to fix the hummingbird feeder and I'm loving this extra time this morning.

Thank U (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)

And now for a moment of immaturity...

A friend stopped by today to drop off my kids and her daughter.  She had been watching them while I did a mad dash of grocery shopping (with kids it takes 2.5x longer) and her daughter is staying the night tonight at my house while she goes out.  Totally normal thing, a swap "this" for "that" arrangement, always is going on with mothers of young to middle age range children, the other half of the swap sometimes happening simutaneously or weeks later, all of it coming out in the wash eventually.  I was feeling totally fine until my daughter ran up to me with a huge cookie cake, all smiles, exclaiming that I needed to look at it.  I was puzzled (it's no one's birthday) so I looked at it and it just had a huge "thank you" to me on it.  I pasted on a smile, intentionally not huge, talked my way through the drop-off, went inside, put the 3 kids outside with bathing suits and the sprinkler, and proceeded to grumble my way through putting away the groceries.  I don't like cookie cakes.  I didn't want a cookie cake.  Why do I now have a cookie cake.  If you want to spend money on me, my purse needs replacing.

Let me explain myself at the risk of being ungrateful.  This is a friend who is extremely vocal about being health conscious, frugal, and knowing what everyone individually wants.  Keep this in mind and add that she brought me a greasy, chocolate chip cookie cake that runs about $28 (I know because I footed the bill for two of them birthday season) and I don't even like sweets (dark chocolate yes but 80%; Hubby is the cookie cake nut).  We as a family ARE very health conscious, on an EXTREMELY tight budget, and have to watch our sweet intake because we have certain other family members who feed us and don't care about that one bit, thus sweets get offered LOTS. 

Gifts like this causes two reactions in me, neither of which I'm proud of:
1)...the odd Monty Python-like skit in my mind where John Cleese is my dad, me saying "But Fahhhtha, I don't WAHHHNT it" and him jumping around me saying, "Yes you do.  Yes you do" and me just smiling on the outside hoping I'm fooling everyone...
...OR...
2)me telling the person "You know I don't like this."

I have done both.  The first one makes me feel like a doormat/liar and the second, I suspect, makes everyone else think I'm a b*tch.  So where do we draw the line?  Where does this get solved?  There are all those self help people who say "Be true to yourself" and all those feel good conventions that have lovely stories about how wonderful people are when they are grateful for what they have.  How do we solve this, people?

This brought to mind an episode where the Bee received something and she became upset because it wasn't what she wanted.  Hubby and I consoled her like most parents would, telling her the person didn't know and be grateful for what she receives because she doesn't have to get anything.  I told myself that, but it didn't make me feel any better.  There is still a stinky cookie cake on my counter that I'm going to have to (ack) eat or (frown) give away, regretfully contributing to someone's weight problem, hurting my witness of healthy eating and care.  There is also the issue of me facing her daughter at supper tonight, knowing that she will report everything to her mother on what was done with the cookie cake (kids are great like that; cookie cakes are their dream so isn't it every adult's?  And adults can buy them anytime they want, too!).  So I wasn't reaching much balance in this problem.  Throwing it away is also an option but that seems wasteful and would definitely get reported back.

I thought about what the friend would want me to do.  She would say that she would want me to tell the truth but I don't think she would receive it well and would feel like a failure in not making me happy.  I don't really want to deal with her constantly reminding me by trying to make it up ("oh, sorry, I brought a cookie cake for your husband so I brought a completely different dessert for you"), or making excuses ("sorry, I know you don't like this but it's all I had"), or trying to accommodate my tastes (my tastes are definitely not everyone else's and really, now that I think of it, it's not that big a deal).

Throughout putting groceries away and all this running through my mind I remembered something I have said several times: I love working with kids because they actually try to do what we teach them, unlike the parents who don't, WON'T, and should know better.  I realized that even though I might not get THE ANSWER for this problem, I should follow my own parenting advice and be grateful (even when I don't want it), don't pin my happiness on someone else's actions, and work with what I get, whether it's to keep or to give away.  Do I understand it completely?  No, but I don't want to be one of those parents who fusses at their kids to be responsible and then won't do it themselves.  I'd rather be a good example and strive for the answer than the b*tch with only my interests in mind, not considering the other person's mind state, gift habits, and/or personal guilt.

Dear God, please grant me the grace to accept people for themselves, not what I think they should be.  Please help me be happy through me, not others actions.  And most importantly, help me BE the person I tell my children they should be.  No lip service, please.

Thank you for your time.  I feel better now.

Sha-la-la-la, shame on you

I'm brewing a cup of tea, musing over a few people I know, thinking of things I would like to do to let them know how I feel about them and their life decisions.  The "what to do" has reached the level of me visualizing tearing pictures of them into little tiny pieces.  This is totally not mature, totally not rational, the idea that their life is their life and it's none of my responsibility/business is totally irrelevant, and the rational/mature side of me is shaking it's head, saying "tut, tut, shame on you."  But I'm finding strange pleasure in thinking this and I'm not sure I like that.  See, over the past few months I have been trying to "rise above" and mind my own business, love people but keep my head about it, and make firm, calm, fair decisions about the emotional state I'm in and the emotions I choose to show.  Do you know how hard that is once you start trying to do it consistently?  It's so hard I feel like I'm going backwards instead of forwards with it.  Maybe I only feel that way because I'm now paying attention to things.  Maybe I'm being thrown a curve ball to see how much I truly want this.  (The latter I doubt; I try hard not to think of life this way, but still.)  But whatever the reason, I know I'm better than this so why do certain insignificant things get to me like this?

Some light got shed on this, or at least a new way of thinking, at the conference I was at last weekend.  It was a wonderful trip with the fabulous co-workers I'll soon be around lots and lots to the neighboring state's preschool teacher convention.  (Those ladies can sing, I'll tell you, but I guess that could go without saying.  They are all pre-school teachers and everyone knows we sing all the time.  But I digress...)  Several of the sessions I chose to go to were about the emotional states and what teachers/parents could do about them and one quote struck me.  It didn't talk to me totally as a pre-school teacher but did more as an adult.  It's as follows:

"Our emotions will manifest, or communicate, our character, our value system, the lies, or the truth, that we've based our life on."           Dr. Robert Roberts, Spiritual Emotions

So what to think?  Am I feeling this way because I'm a closet control freak or is it because I can't stand making mistakes (ah, the perfectionist in me, eh?) thus when I see other people doing things that are 85% of the time considered by the experts to be "mistakes" I have a reaction?  On the other hand, should I stop being so self-centered about all this and turn the quote on these people that aggravate me and think "Hmm, they are feeling guilty and trying to hide their actions, thus the behavior and subsequent actions" ?  Either way, it's something to think about.  Am I really getting the quote at all?  Either way, this quote has me thinking and trying to listen to what emotional trigger I have going off so I can see what part of my mind is trying to talk to me instead of trying to change my emotional reaction to something more p.c.

So no conclusions yet but hopefully I keep truly moving forward instead of back in this endeavor.  Just wanted to share the quote and story.  My tea is ready and I'm looking forward to it.

The Life Pursuit

I have a new happy in my life.  It's a little red cd/radio that fits nicely on my kitchen counter.  It was a freebie of Mom's from some book order.  I can now listen to whatever I want while cooking without blasting everyone out of the house!  The only cd player was in the front room and I can't hear it over the vent or dryer in the kitchen; ask me about the time I was listening to White Stripes while no one else was home.  A friend biked by, on the street mind you, and said it sounded like a frat party.  I was flattered.  I don't think I ever did that 14 years ago.  But, the even better thing is I CAN PICK UP KSCL (Centenary College radio station).  I was cooking breakfast one morning, enjoying myself, radio on, and Hubby came in grinning, saying "I feel like I'm back in college."

Wrap is finished.  Pics soon.  It'll be gifted tonight.

...and a Monday holiday is for cleaning???

Today has been great so far and I'm not being sarcastic, either.  We, all four of us, have been cleaning.  Nothing was safe: under beds, floors, base boards, bins, behind curtains, blinds, everything got a once over and was cleaned out, donation considered, and appropriate action insued.  And it was totally not my idea.  Yesterday Hubby had been on a mission to find all the marbles from a birthday present given to Little Guy and got up close and personal with the condition of our front room.  "It's DIRTY!" was the comment.  All he got was a stare from me while I thought of what to say.  (In the past, every time I was fretting about needing to clean the house and life not letting me he would say "You just cleaned it.  It's fine.  Relax."  Advice that made me grit my teeth and resist screaming "You don't understand me!!!!"  I'm fully aware that our house at it's dirtiest is cleaner than 50% of all the houses we visit in a year but we have a small house with no carpet so any little thing tracked in makes lovely dirt bunnies that congregate in various spots and hold conventions.  Those are what I find when I'm opening and closing doors, trying to walk out of the house to run errands, so I am constantly reminded that while I'm cleaning other peoples houses, mine is laying to waste.  Well, maybe not that extreme, but it's sure not being cleaned.)  So I simply smiled and said that the vacuum cleaner was in a closet and he is more than welcome to clean the house.  That led to discussions which led to more discussions which led to the conclusion that everyone would help and we would take one room at a time and get everything in ship-shape order, then Daddy would come in with the vacuum and get all the icky dust up while the other 3 of us cleaned up the next room on the list.  It's worked like a charm and the kids are old enough to really get down and help so they really enjoyed it because we all were doing it together.  I'm really glad they helped because that freed me to do some extra cleaning and I found that we were having an interesting unintentional science fair experiment using our bathroom floor on what bacteria can grow underneath a potty training chair and the different smells they can emit.  I'll use Little Guy's word:  YUCK.  But it is now cleaned and washed and conclusions noted.  Who cares that we didn't have a hypothesis in the first place, all in good fun.  It was Albert Enstein who said "If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research."

Eventually I'll get to my knitting today.  I've got 6 days to my deadline on the cabled wrap and it's coming along ok.  Almost halfway.  The Bee has put in her vote to watch "Bye, Bye Birdie" this afternoon as my knitting movie and I think I'm all for that.  Little Guy said Thomas the Tank Engine and I think we can swing both.

Another funny story related to the cleaning up/out.  I was going through all the kitchen toys given to us that we decided needed to go into storage when Little Guy came swaggering through with his birthday light saber.

"When Darth Vader comes I'm going to fight him," he said.

"Sure, but we have to vacuum your room first," I answered.

"Ok."

Just to let you know, Hubby was Han Solo but since the gifting of the light saber has been deemed Darth Vader.  He had run across the street to his parents to return something.

Something old, something new

Life has settled into a high paced, but at least consistent, schedule.  I am at Mom's helping her rehab her knee, cook for the FabFam, and clean house while potty-training Little Guy.  (That's going great by the way; only a few minor accidents when he gets tired in the evening or too busy playing to go.  No sweat because I had kids that still did that in Kindergarten and 1st grade.  I totally got this!)  We are borrowing Mom's car to keep it active;  she can't drive anyway so I'm her chauffeur.  HaHa! City @ the Port, look out!  Hubby has our car and we aren't having to dash about getting everyone everywhere so that has been a nice change.  The Bee (who is also SuperGirl, that name just fits her better now) is almost finished with school so that's one less errand to do.  Also having her around more to play will be a nice change for both Little Guy and me.  We've missed her during the day.

While cleaning and passing the time at Mom's I have been knitting away at a s-i-l's birthday present.  It's a wrap and a lovely one at that.  I don't care to knit wraps (or scarves for that matter) because they are hideously boring to me so this has been a special labor of love, especially since she wanted black.  Why, do you ask?  Um, you can't see it.  At all.  Like the yarn totally disappears except under bright lights.  And this is a wrap with cables which kinda ups the excitement factor a bit when there is a mistake, which I tend to do because I'm usually knitting this while watching some movie or show ("Fantastic Mr. Fox" was truly fantastic but I had to rip half a row out because I forgot to cable) that I find more exciting.  At the moment it's Sgt. Cribb and I've managed to avoid disaster so far (knock on wood).  

I'm nearly halfway through it and I highly recommend the pattern if you like, or don't like!, knitting wraps/scarves.  The gauge is large enough you can see a quick growth but not so big it's a bulky piece.  The cable row is easy and happens every fifth row so just when you get stuck establishing a k-p switch pattern there's the cable to make it pretty and change it up.  Pics and a link (if I can find it) to the pattern/pattern name will be posted once it's gifted.

While making myself knit on this I've been cleaning out things at Mom's like closets and drawers.  I'm boxing up things for Snakeman (congrats on your latest addition!) and trying to work through all that's still here that's accumulated through the last 30+ years.  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.   This has earned me weekly trips to Goodwill and a local used book store and some rare gems of finds, some I get excited about, some not so excited.  I won't go into details on the latter.  :)  In the fabric boxes I found some pajamas that I had cut out to sew back in '99 and a little doll dress that I wasn't sure who made it but all it needed was a hem and snaps to finish.  I took them home and am proud to say they are finished.  I wore the pajamas last night and the Bee now has another not-naked doll (4 down, too many to go).  I couldn't imagine why I never sewed up those pajamas and had wondered where the fabric pieces had gone for years.  While sewing it up and trying to figure out what needed to go where (the pattern itself I'm sure was donated years ago) I realized why I had discarded it.  I had gotten too industrious on sewing shirttail hems and had hemmed the sleeves too soon which meant they would take some extra figuring to fit them on the shirt.  I apparently didn't feel like doing the figuring or ripping the hems out (knitting I don't mind so much but sewing I HATE ripping) so I dropped it like it was hot and went on my merry way.  11 years later it took me maybe 3 minutes to figure out the difference, make it look right, and sew that puppy up in under an hour.  I make myself laugh.

Everything's not lost

It's all go at our place.  The house is being re-plumbed, I did NOT have to baby-sit a friend's kids at 8 am (It's in another week; got the dates wrong.  Good thing I called her first while heading to her house; she was a little confused as it was and had a house full of out of town family so two more people showing up might have been a little much at breakfast time), I did have to call another friend to make sure she could watch Little Guy later in the morning (get to clean-out classroom at new job!  Exciting!) and in exchange I'm watching her two kids while she runs to the bank, I have alterations to do but not possible due to needing to steam iron and there is no water but yes plumber in the middle of my kitchen, and I've suddenly rediscovered knitting.  This afternoon is still watching all the extra kids so we'll see how that goes if I still have no water.  Lucky thing the in-laws live across the street; we'll still get showers tonight without crashing Mom and Dad's house even though I know they wouldn't mind!

But about the rediscovered knitting thing.  It came as a slow, but sudden, surprise.  I was worried I had burned myself out totally but I couldn't bring myself to "get rid" of anything.  The knitting stuff didn't want to be ridded-of.  It bore me not ill will.  The yarn, the needles, the two WIPs left were sitting there tucked away, not feeling neglected, just patiently waiting for Harriet to visit me again and show me what they wanted to be made in to.  I had to take a breather.  In the end I've come out better.  I'm not tempted by new yarn like before.  That's a REALLY good thing for a person on a budget.

But I digress...

I had frogged that cotton cardigan and put it away but it stayed on my mind.  I wasn't sure why, especially since I had had such relief when I frogged those other projects months ago.  This one wouldn't go away.  It sat there wimpering, wanting desperately to be made.  A few days later I had some time on the computer and started going through Ravelry's shrug pattern index.  I had thought maybe there was a free pattern somewhere that just might work and it was worth a look; I wasn't losing anything if I didn't find it.  They have a great selection, by the way.  Totally worth joining Ravelry.  They also list right off if the pattern is free so you don't have to go to the pattern to check.  We need free.  We like free a lot.  Paying for a pattern means waiting till the truck sells and that's driving me batty enough as is.  I was amused with myself because lots of the patterns I liked from the pictures ended up being free anyway and a majority of them were from Lion Brand.  I didn't think I liked Lion Brand's stuff that much.  I ended up finding 2 patterns that were perfect in the first 12 pages of the list.  I printed out both, figured the yardage I had and what I would need, one worked and one didn't, and I got to work.  It's a simple, slightly loose shrug, knitted in a 32" by 38" rectangle, 4 sts=1" gauge, 2" of 1x1 ribbing on CO and BO edges, and 2 seams to sew when finished (fold it in half matching rib so is continuous, exclude 7" on fold side for sleeves, and sew up!).  It's cool enough to carry around this summer if I get caught in a cold office, washable so I can wear it to teach school, and warm enough (and big enough) to wrap up in and layer in the winter.  I thought the 34" of stockinette in the middle would wear me out but I find it nice and zen-like this time around.  The yarn is happy, the needles are happy, the pattern is following deminsions perfectly, and I feel like a cat purring making biscuits when I'm knitting it.  I already have 7" knitted after 2 days.  Crazy!  2 days!  And one of those days was half occupied doing those alterations I needed to do.

I am still thinking about selling/giving away some of my books and magazines though.  I've moved on and would like them to go to good home.  Any of you who are interested and remember something I have you would like, email me and let me know.  The only things not going are Elizabeth Zimmermann's books and a few of the sock knitting books.  Just let me know!

One day we'll forgive you, Georgia Nicholson

I have turned a new corner in my knitting.  I say new corner because I'm not a new knitter anymore, I've knitted the heck out of anything that would sit still long enough to let me for a while now (thus able to read and produce most patterns), and what I'm doing is nothing like what I've usually done.  Hubby calls it "burn out," I call it "re-prioritizing."

Everyone knows of the "Knitted Christmas" that just passed in which, thankfully, everyone appreciated what they got.  Everyone knows how that carried into January and February, trying to catch up on other gifts I said I would do or just thought they were a good idea.  Then there was the frogging of the sweater and baby blanket that not only liberated knitting needles and supplies, but my personal sense of accomplishment.  In the past month I have been knitting on one pair of socks (that's it.  No new sweater, no nothing (um, anything), and I wasn't getting any inspiration and enjoying it) and I was getting sick of it.  Not just sick of the project, but sick of knitting.  I was (finally) looking at the stack of books at my side of the bed thinking "those look interesting."  I was gazing outside thinking "Playground.  That sounds like fun."  Those things have never happened.  So here it is.  I am actually playing outside with the kids again.  I still carry a sock or knitting project to car pool and various appoinments but not to the playground.  Gosh-durnit the kids are only little once and they love that Mommy goes down the slide and plays chase.  I haven't quite caught up to the reading but I'm working on that.  The regular schedule still isn't allowing sit-down time longer than 5-10 minutes but it should soon.  Hopefully the stressors then continue to be eliminated and we aren't running everywhere hauling everyone at all times.

But I digress.  To sum it all up, I discovered that I'm addicted to stress and I'm going to cut that out.  I know it won't be easy, especially since I do get a sadistic thrill of piling on the projects and responsibilities, but I've decided I've had enough.  I'm saying no to anything new and only sticking to the few things left that I can't get out of.  Anything new isn't limited to knitting, it involves lots of parts of my life and the great thing is everyone understands, even if they are a little curious to what all really is going on.  I just say it's nothing that no one hasn't been through before, no one's hurt, nothing serious, just lots of little things piled on at once and I've hit my breaking point.  I don't like going into all of it because compared to most everyone else's problems, mine sound like a whiny little pig.  And I'm also trying to cut out the complaining.  :)

In all this, I also discovered that everything I knit I give away.  I like only a few knitted things.  Everyone else seems to enjoy my knitted stuff more than I do at times so, yes, I will finish my special, for-me-every-day-wear dark blue cardigan one day but the pattern hasn't shown up yet so I will wait until that prince comes.  I really do love knitting and I'm reclaiming it for myself by choosing NOT to do it all times just because I felt like I should be busy at something.

I also had a laugh but a thought while reading the last of the Georgia Nicholson books.  She was talking about one of the teachers she has who's single and a little out-of-touch with the "modern" life.  This teacher had been the one supervising after-school detention and walked with Georgia out to the gate of the school and Georgia was not just appalled to be seen talking to a teacher, but that this teacher was wearing a knitted hat with (of all horrors) BOBBLES!!!  She didn't want to be associated with "knitted people" ever!  I had a good giggle, thinking of all the knitted things I have, have knitted, and people adore but then paused when I realized I hadn't worn much of anything knitted in a while.  I have 2 wraps I wear on Sundays, sometimes as big scarves, and a short-sleeved cardigan I wear once in a while but the hats, the scarves, etc. only came out in the real cold we had this season because it was so darn freezing.  Otherwise, Hubby and the kids wore theirs all the time but me not so much.  Am I really a knitted person or do I just like making things?

Makes you think, especially with the kind of money it's easy to drop on certain hobbies.  Georgia Nicholson is by no means an authority on anything (but very entertaining series to read) but here she unintentionally exposed a personal possibility.  I'll keep contemplating but there's one thing I know no matter what, I love you knitted people.

Recycle day

There comes a time in everyone's life when they have to clean out the dirt in their lives.  Sometimes that's literally what is going on but sometimes it's in reference to the dysfunctional relationships hanging around like a grease ball at the prom.  Mine came in the form of those projects I started knitting nearly a year ago, knowing full well I was knitting enough as it was, and they were still sitting in their bags with all the supplies I had desperately needed for other projects (since finished, regardless) no where near completion.

Like the previously blogged conversation, this has been brewing for a while.  It came to a head last night when I was knitting away at the "Amazing Technicolor Dream Cardigan" while watching "Lost in Translation" (she was knitting a scarf in that, briefly!)  I looked at the WIP and started thinking, "you know, this looks way too small to fit an adult."  I slipped the sleeve stitches on ribbon and tried it on.  Guess what.  It was a little too small.  Getting it over my bust was literally a stretch and the bottom with all the cabling had drawn up so much it was barely seen from the front.  This led to me trying to bend my mind around any way to salvage the project (wider button bands...?), sleeping on it (not literally, of course), and an early morning phone call to LMSS to get the knitting shrink's opinion.  She said frog it, frog it, and don't look back, trust your mind and don't resist.  Stop before more time is wasted, time wasn't wasted because you learned so much from the project, rewind the yarn and use that knowledge to find the RIGHT pattern for it.

So I did.  And I feel so good about it.  I loved the cables but HATED the bobbles and the stripes were all off on my body lines that I wanted to accentuate.  Frogging that led to me taking the other long-a-waiting projects out (just 2 more, thank goodness) and looking at them without the rose-colored glasses.  The Calming Wrap was saved (good construction, good quality pattern) but the baby blanket that resembled a Muppet wig was laid to rest.  It took me an hour to frog that thing and rewind the colors (I considered just throwing it away) but I did it and I FEEL SO GOOD.  It's like finally cutting ties with that loser college boyfriend who was only dating you to cheat off your papers:  there's always hurt and regret but once the weight is let go you feel like you can fly.

My list is updated and it's holding less "to-do."  I'm almost finished with one of the paying "to-do"s and that will be crossed off today.  I have nothing to add to the "to-do" and I'm not letting myself find anything either.  Keep it simple, stupid, I keep telling myself.

And I feel so good about it.

Face-off...?

Had a conversation with myself today.  This occurred after the usual weekly rant to Dad about how I'm tired of certain unchangeable situations in my life followed by the universal question of "when can I have a break?!?!"  Dad, like the wonderful person he is, totally sympathized with me and reassured me like he always does, leading the conversation to me identifying what I can control and simplifying those things until the other situations pass.  That is what sparked this inner monologue that has been brewing for some time, I realize now.

My inner cool, calm, and collected self has been tapping me on the shoulder for the past few weeks, saying "ahem, ahem" (she wears a suit jacket, skirt, and glasses and the color hair I USED to have, looking suspiciously like my husband's sexy librarian fantasies) and pointing to a certain "to-do" list.  This list is a knitting to-do list and not only do I have everything written down in the order to be knitted I have it marked in my pocket calendar on the months it needs to be knitted by.  Not only that, I also carry a mental image of it everywhere I go.  Just as a reminder.

She is not liking this.  The conversation went something like this, Colbert-style, only the frazzled me never wears a suit:

Her:  What's that?

Me:  What's what?

Her: THAT.

Me: Oh, that?  That's my knitting to-do list.  Isn't it great?  It has everything I need to knit or sew for the next 10 months!  I know when the deadlines are and...

Her:  I...MEAN...THAT.  That.  That pair of socks for that person that's due next month.

Me:  Oh, those.  Yep.  Her birthday is next month.

Her:  So you are going to KNIT her SOCKS?

Me:  Yes.

Her:  That takes forever!

Me:  Well... yes.

Her: Why?  You've already volunteered to knit some old lady socks you hardly know, which you should be knitting right now instead of fooling with your daughter's quilt IF you are truly following this to-do list.  Why this one right after it?

Me:  'Cause I want to?

Her: Why?  Has she made you anything?

Me:  Um, no.

Her: Does she make anyone anything?

Me: Yes, all the time.

Her: Does she know you are going to knit her socks?

Me: No.

Her: Has she ASKED you to knit her socks?

Me: No.

Her: Do you even visit with her on a consistent basis?

Me:  Maybe see her 2 times a year...

Her: So let me get this straight:  you are going to spend 20+ hours knitting someone socks who has never made you a thing, has not asked for socks, does not even know you were going to knit her socks, and you see her about as often as you see the dentist, shoving you into the crazy zone when all these socks stack up, causing the things that people DO know about, are paying you for, and you said you would do to be rushed, cussed, and not be one ounce of pleasure to you at all.

Me:  [long pause with uncertainty and a hint of realization that comes with a cast-iron pan blow to the head] Yeess....

Her:  Let me ask you something else.  Who DOES make things for you?

Me:  SuperGirl.  Little Guy.  Hubby...

Her:  Who DO you see all the time?

Me:  Um, the same.  My family.  Some of my friends.

Her:  I only see a few of them on this list.  [sharp eye]

Me:  I think I get your point.

Her:  I hope so.  I'm getting enough gray hair it'll match yours.

Me:  Touche'.

So there you go.  The yarn is going back in the stash bin and it's being taken off the list.  I'll knit socks for her someday (she is a person dear to my heart) but this day isn't it.  Maybe next year or the year after when there truly is time.  I love making things for people but I need to be true to myself and not feel like I need to make something for EVERYONE.  Keep it simple.  And keep the inner self happy.  Simple as that.

The Snowy Day

2010 is already proving to be something out of the ordinary. It snowed here last night and I have the pictures to prove it. Funnies are going around on Facebook saying "The Saints won the Super Bowl and it's snowing in Shreveport... is hell frozen, too?" The kids were bouncing around everywhere at the idea they'd get to build a snowman then once they got outside the first thing they said was "it's cold!" We are back in the house with 2 snowmen in the front yard (well, one snowman and one snowbaby; I'm still campaigning for a "Calvin and Hobbes"esque two-headed monster. Maybe when the 9 year old gets here...) having our hot chocolate and I'm trying to structure my day. I actually have some work to do (yippee!) so that's on my list, I have a birthday present to finish (give me 3.5 more hours and it will be!), and I have bills to pay (gag) so I'm going to try my 15 minute interval trick to see if I can get it all done and me still feel normal.

I had briefly considered this Knitting Olympics thing (briefly, very briefly) that has been going around Ravelry and blogs lately. Every Winter Olympics you get a project that's challenging, cast on when the torch is lit and work to have it finished by the times the games commence. I admit it was tempting: plan a full project and work like heck to actually have it finished and then have it finished to forever look at, wear, and say "I did the Knitting Olympics!" Then I thought of the budget, my loving family and the monster that would turn me into, and the fact that my own special Olympics (the Knitting Special Olympics... hmm... but wouldn't you have to be missing fingers or something? Knitting Para-Olympics?) would be trying to get 5 of my already existing projects finished by game commencement. Much easier on the budget, relief to my project stash, still heck on the loving family. So I'm just saying no to the Knitting Olympics and plodding along on my little "to do" list that has all projects scheduled for the next year (no kidding). I'm not allowed to add any more and I've already verbally agreed to 2 new knitting classes I'm designing (which made Hubby twitch slightly) so I'm good. Maybe in 4 years I'll take it on. Maybe projects will be more controlled then. Maybe I'll also have a stationary bike to ride at the same time so I don't turn into a tub of lard the 2 weeks I'm glued to the couch knitting. We'll see.

Glorious!

The paperwork is finished. It is in order, filed, and the files have been purged allowing everything to fit in one filing cabinet. Anything that allowed me to go paperless I and anything I haven't needed since 2006 is in the bin to be shredded. (Don't worry, I kept the major stuff; I know better than to do away with past tax returns.)

Anyway, it is a load off and the air has cleared in the house. I'm still a bundle of nerves but that little kernel of chaos has been shaken out, ironed, de-knotted, and put away neatly with everything in it's place. I told Hubby that it's been a gremlin sitting behind that door for the past year, giggling at me everytime I walked past. He simply nodded and asked me what the next gremlin will be, he was sure I'm going to find one. I said probably cleaning the floors.

In the meantime, I am taking deep breaths of everything being fully cleaned out and nothing remaining. I can honestly tell you where everything is in the house. Well, except for that darn car satellite radio. Still can't find that thing after all this! Grits and gravel! But I finally have a system of dealing with the paperwork immediately and it should work as long as I keep up with it. (Isn't that the case with anything?) But really, I think this one will work. For one thing there is no crate for "to be filed." That gets me in so much trouble because it allows me to put it off. There is a crate for "to be shredded" and that is on top of the one filing cabinet we are down to where everything fits. As mail comes in they go in the "to be paid" space or immediately filed if they need to be kept. As receipts come in along with the paid bill statements they go in a bag for me to look over and throw away/shred when I pay bills and reconcile the check book at the beginning of every month (I dispose of it only if it clears). Whatever is left from that gets filed immediately. Whatever is tax deductible has it's own little file folder next to the "to be paid" space. I am so visual I have the "tbp" stack in a spot that is under my nose most of the day so I can't forget about it.

Hopefully this all works. I would like to put that timer on for 15 minute intervals of whatever projects I need to get finished rather than book keeping. You know, that's a great idea: 15 minutes of knitting the baby blanket, 15 minutes of that hat, 15 minutes of the quilt I'm planning. That just might move things along...

(By the way, found out who Venus D'Milo is. I also found out my Art History knowledge is lacking.)

Monday, Monday

What is it with folding laundry being paired with 70's game show reruns? "Match Game" was on this morning and, speaking of that, who the heck was Venus DeMilo?

Did I mention that I had put off the previously discussed paperwork a whole year? I had thought it was just 8 months. Never again. This is way too stressful. I start again with my 15 minute intervals at 0:900 hours.

Hubby's closet decided it needed to be cleaned out yesterday. It convinced us under the disguise of us trying to find the satellite radio. The satellite radio (last seen when we traded in the old car for the current car) was not found but now I have a house where every nook and cranny has been cleaned out/gone through and dealt with within the last 6 months. Hubby's closet is clean and has more room than our bedroom and everything to donate is having a party in (where else?) the dining room with my paperwork.

The kids are home and it is 9:00. Time to start. I also have a stripey Noro Silk Garden scarf calling my name (the 3rd I've knitted so far; they are so pret-tee!) waiting patiently for those 15 minutes off.

Ready, steady...go!

Medusa in the house

So, it's a new year and that means actually organizing that paperwork that has been sitting around in crates behind the 2 year old's bedroom door. I hate that stuff with a passion, especially with how volatile the last year has been, and now it's time to face it, clean it up, and move on. When it's over, it still means meeting with my tax accountant but at least everything will be in order and she only tuts over us some.

The paperwork was waiting for me, sitting in the dining room in it's crates while I was trying to sit on the couch and work on my knitting. I had moved it in there because I knew I needed to do it: New Year's Day was over and reality hath set in. There were still craft projects to do but this was the priority now. It being in the dining room made me face it every time I walked through the house and it was making me cranky. I was having a hard time dealing with it being there, even starting the process, and it was making things in the house tense. The good thing is there is still a rational part of my brain telling me quietly a better way to tend to things and thank goodness I finally listened to it. I am following the advice of a smart woman (Snakewoman, actually) and setting my timer for 15 minutes, working on the organizing really hard, and when the timer goes off I set it to another 15 minutes and do something I enjoy. As a result I have things in smaller piles: personal, bills/tax docs, to shred, office supplies; and a rainbow colored sock that is halfway through the foot. My stress levels are still elevated but not to the degree that I'm eating rocks and spewing pea soup at anyone who asks me "what's wrong?"

It's really sad because I'm going through all the stuff when things were easier financially, all the recipts of the trips, the dinners, the shopping fun, the school purchases for SuperGirl's first day of Kindergarten, everything. I remember how I loved my job, I loved the travelling I did this summer, loved the times I spent with everyone. The beginnings of the projects are there, the finishing of our quilt, the Christmas gifts, everything in it's entertwined creations. During this, I'm fishing out the not-so-nice things to remember: the surgery, the doctor's visits and emergency room visits, the larger than normal bills, the reminders of how things were going to have to change whether we wanted them to or not. We did change, and did the right thing, but there are some things in there I didn't feel like looking at. Those recipts are tax-deductible at least. The fun-time recipts are the ones being recycled. Hopefully that means so more fun times are to come because that's what we are putting back in the mix.

So that's what is going on. Knitting is going on too, but not at the pace I would like it to. I've started a new sock knitting class and I think that will help the birthday present for Ph-i-l be finished in time. I have a pattern to puzzle through and figure out the mistake for my Quilting Knitclass Lady (she's the one who quilted for me and I met through one of my knitting classes I taught; I'm now helping her with some of her knitting projects, i.e. knitting lace.), a baby blanket (the blocks are so cute! Can't wait until it's gifted and I can finally talk about it!), a baby sweater, a s-i-l cabled wrap to start, rainbow socks nearly finished, and all those other projects still sitting around enjoying each other's company. I actually took the yarn for the block baby blanket to "The Princess and the Frog" earlier today. I didn't get as much done as I would have liked (knitting in a movie theater is tricky) but I did enjoy the knitting time and really enjoyed the movie. Didn't think I would but I really did. I recommend it, especially if you have any ties to Louisiana. I also relate more to that heroine than any of the other Disney heroines but don't get me started on the subject of Disney. I'm not every nice when it comes to it.

I did have pictures to upload and talk about but... um, Hubby took them and I didn't realize that in the picture his bare torso showed up REALLY well in the mirror behind me. (he did have his pants on, at least!) Those pics have been trashed (even though he's pretty nice to look at!) and I'll be taking new ones with no possibility of reflection anywhere.

Goodnight tree

We woke up to Little Guy running fever and due to a chain of conversations have taken down the Christmas decorations prematurely. Normally we wait until New Year's Day and do a thorough housecleaning while recuperating from the night before (we aren't wild but some of us stay up later than others and morning comes too quickly when you don't sleep) but this holiday season has been a little more humid than others and we suspect our tree is growing mold, contributing to our lingering sinus issues and Little Guy's sudden sickness.

We hope.

SuperGirl was a big help and we got everything down. Thank goodness I'm not a huge Christmas decorator so everything is in a nice, neat pile in my dining room waiting to be sorted. I swept, SuperGirl dustmopped, and I dusted. It was then that I discovered the artwork the kids had been doing in the layer of dust on the tv screen. How we haven't noticed it before now, I don't know, but it is now as clean as the rest of the room. However clean that gets.

Hopefully the rest of the day is for my 2 baby projects that are coming along slowly but surely. I've rediscovered what a genius EZ's "Surprise Baby Jacket" is but despair to ever figure out what makes what go where. In further study of her "Knitter's Workshop" she has the SBJ pattern with several of her other garter stitch, knitted-in-one-piece-with-minimal-finishing patterns and I can only sit and stare at. How does she do it? Or did she just perfect patterns people had done for ages, like others do with socks?

'Twas the day after Christmas

I have received Elizabeth Zimmermann's "Knitting Workshop" book. I have started reading it and it is amazing how she jots everything down and shows that yep, it's just that easy to do whatever you want; just DO it.

Little Guy is putting all of SuperGirl's Barbies on the roof of her new Barbie house. Hubby and her Pawpaw made for her and it is the dollhouse of my 7 year old dreams (only I actually had nothing to do with the plans, they did it all on their own, love them), complete with a flat, felted roof with spindled railing. She is in tears. He has lost the beaded lampshade to her lamp stand. My day is only beginning.

I sat down to breakfast this morning and was leisurely drinking my coffee while planning the baby blanket for Crochet Queen's newest arrival (early February, here we come!). I had the blocks planned out, "x"s for seed stitch and "o"s for stockinette, when Hubby glanced over and said, "That football play will never work." That was when my day was supposed to be beginning.

Thus, so far I have had inspiration, two children with post-Christmas disorder, and a good laugh. Hopefully this bodes well for the new year approaching. We could use a good one.

...and depression breeds productivity?

I've had a bad attitude lately. Don't get me wrong, life is fine, family is wonderful, I've just been a downer and it's all me. I've been working on improving it. Triggers are the current circumstances I can't control and the fact that there is nothing I can do really bugs me... like REALLY ticks me off. Some days it's better than others. The negative side is I'm not good company the tired-er I get (is that even a word?) but the positive side is I'm a demon getting things finished. Understand, I'm not getting the things that need to be done by Christmas finished. I'm finishing the things that have been hanging around in drawers, final-final things for projects already done and the scraps were still hanging around (like the picture above; will discuss in a second), and finding things that need to be organized better and used up so I know what I have/where it is/how much I have/if I need it. (Last month it was baking and we are still enjoying the frozen products of that bout of crankiness and so are the friends and acquaintances that received the give-aways. I think they are looking forward to me getting depressed again because it breeds pumpkin pies. For me a baking depression breeds less freezer space and I can't do that too often.)

I told LMSS last night that this passive-aggressive attitude towards the 2 projects left for Christmas gifts was amusing but not great for the thrill I get completing things and crossing off to-do lists, not to mention the people the gifts are for that I have NO IDEA what to buy them otherwise. (I actually broke down and bought a Christmas gift for the 3rd pair of potential socks hanging around because I couldn't do another speed-sock-ing like last weekend.) Also, if you knew how much I had already made for Christmas gifts you would think I was crazy for balking at the last 2 pairs of socks.

Well, I never said I was sane. Socially acceptable most days, yes, but not sane.

Anyway, now for the above picture. Those are the pillow shams for our quilt that I had thought about making but I'm not a decorative pillow/pillow sham person so I wasn't sure if it would happen. I started with the one on the left and it turned out so good I made the one on the right. They look nothing like each other but they fit ("Like us" Hubby said) and I love how they turned out. I used the leftover partially sewed scraps for the left one, simply sewing more frames on until I had the deminsions I needed, and did the back as two panels overlapping. I even had a little fun by sewing the remainder of the bias binding as a trim around the edge between the front and the back. The right one was from scraps too but I was able to plan a bit more with bigger scraps, thus more piecing, back done the same as the left but in different fabric. This eliminated all those little scraps, blocks, binding, squares, strips, etc. and left only the big pieces of fabric which are now sorted by color in my stash to live on in another project one day. I love it. I love the new space and I love how this filled a space that needed to be there, I hadn't reached the time to do it until now.

I'm the left pillow, Hubby is the right pillow. Couldn't you tell?

Dear Deadline,

I see you there and I'm working on it. You're being very patient and I thank you. I don't wish you to go away because you are serving a purpose: you are reminding me that there is something I need to be doing even though the housework piles up. It's nice to have this to do. It makes me sit down, watch movies, and relax. However, I have a hard time relaxing when I realize that there is only TWO AND A HALF WEEKS LEFT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

I would say "Never again will I decide to knit/sew something for half the family in the name of frugality (is that a word?) when I really just wanted an excuse to make everyone something" except I'm pretty sure I'll eat those words next year, just like I'm eating the words "6 pairs of socks in a month? Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezey."

Thoughts while looking at a painting 300 years old

I have never been alone.
I realize that now.
All the while
the women of my past
have been looking over my shoulder
watching as life goes
just like it did
the generations before.
And I also think
one day
I'll be doing the same
with the daughters
of my granddaughters.

"If anything is going to happen in this apartment I want it to happen to me first."

I'm working on the usual, found another Christmas gift I forgot I was going to make (shows checklists are still only as effective as the person writing them), and the other child who wasn't sick last week is now sick. The one who was sick is running around like a top. The sick one wants to be, and I really hate it for her because she's only going to be able to do a little trick-or-treating to a few of the neighbors and then stay home with me while Daddy goes to watch his game and brother goes to a little family Halloween party. However, she got to go to a sleepover last Saturday when brother was sick and had to miss so there was a little discussion on how these things just happen.

Last night, Hubby and I went to the local movie Friday Night Freak Out which showed "Ghostbusters." I had forgotten how funny that movie was, especially Billy Murray. I'm a big fan of his, which I'm sure everyone knows. But anyway, we were watching with a very enthusiastic but polite crowd (almost sold out!) and I noticed the interesting knitted clothes worn by several of the characters. Bill Murray wears a knitted vest that makes me think of some of the Noro yarn in patterns I've seen and Sigourney Weaver wears quite a layered group of knitted things (including skirts) that again made me think of how they would look worn individually and with updated accessories. The knitted things the secretary wears only screams 80s to me so I wasn't too intrigued by it (only reminded me of the fashions I didn't like even then) but it made me think of how styles come and go and repeat.

Take a look at the movie. It's interesting.