Face-off...?

Had a conversation with myself today.  This occurred after the usual weekly rant to Dad about how I'm tired of certain unchangeable situations in my life followed by the universal question of "when can I have a break?!?!"  Dad, like the wonderful person he is, totally sympathized with me and reassured me like he always does, leading the conversation to me identifying what I can control and simplifying those things until the other situations pass.  That is what sparked this inner monologue that has been brewing for some time, I realize now.

My inner cool, calm, and collected self has been tapping me on the shoulder for the past few weeks, saying "ahem, ahem" (she wears a suit jacket, skirt, and glasses and the color hair I USED to have, looking suspiciously like my husband's sexy librarian fantasies) and pointing to a certain "to-do" list.  This list is a knitting to-do list and not only do I have everything written down in the order to be knitted I have it marked in my pocket calendar on the months it needs to be knitted by.  Not only that, I also carry a mental image of it everywhere I go.  Just as a reminder.

She is not liking this.  The conversation went something like this, Colbert-style, only the frazzled me never wears a suit:

Her:  What's that?

Me:  What's what?

Her: THAT.

Me: Oh, that?  That's my knitting to-do list.  Isn't it great?  It has everything I need to knit or sew for the next 10 months!  I know when the deadlines are and...

Her:  I...MEAN...THAT.  That.  That pair of socks for that person that's due next month.

Me:  Oh, those.  Yep.  Her birthday is next month.

Her:  So you are going to KNIT her SOCKS?

Me:  Yes.

Her:  That takes forever!

Me:  Well... yes.

Her: Why?  You've already volunteered to knit some old lady socks you hardly know, which you should be knitting right now instead of fooling with your daughter's quilt IF you are truly following this to-do list.  Why this one right after it?

Me:  'Cause I want to?

Her: Why?  Has she made you anything?

Me:  Um, no.

Her: Does she make anyone anything?

Me: Yes, all the time.

Her: Does she know you are going to knit her socks?

Me: No.

Her: Has she ASKED you to knit her socks?

Me: No.

Her: Do you even visit with her on a consistent basis?

Me:  Maybe see her 2 times a year...

Her: So let me get this straight:  you are going to spend 20+ hours knitting someone socks who has never made you a thing, has not asked for socks, does not even know you were going to knit her socks, and you see her about as often as you see the dentist, shoving you into the crazy zone when all these socks stack up, causing the things that people DO know about, are paying you for, and you said you would do to be rushed, cussed, and not be one ounce of pleasure to you at all.

Me:  [long pause with uncertainty and a hint of realization that comes with a cast-iron pan blow to the head] Yeess....

Her:  Let me ask you something else.  Who DOES make things for you?

Me:  SuperGirl.  Little Guy.  Hubby...

Her:  Who DO you see all the time?

Me:  Um, the same.  My family.  Some of my friends.

Her:  I only see a few of them on this list.  [sharp eye]

Me:  I think I get your point.

Her:  I hope so.  I'm getting enough gray hair it'll match yours.

Me:  Touche'.

So there you go.  The yarn is going back in the stash bin and it's being taken off the list.  I'll knit socks for her someday (she is a person dear to my heart) but this day isn't it.  Maybe next year or the year after when there truly is time.  I love making things for people but I need to be true to myself and not feel like I need to make something for EVERYONE.  Keep it simple.  And keep the inner self happy.  Simple as that.